Recently, I have talked about the imbalances of our wants. Today, I will explain it from the perspective of a mental complex.
How to solve our mental complex
Sometimes, we want to solve our mental complex. It suffers us mentally, such as with low self-esteem, perfection, fear of failure, or approval-seeking behaviors. Although we make efforts so hard until we want to die, we are not recognized.
We know we are confused about ourselves. We can understand we are wrong, but we might want to prove ourselves right. We know we want to rest and be lazy the most, but we might get angry when we see people who do so. We understand the necessity of forgiving ourselves, but we naturally blame ourselves. They exhaust us.
That is why we want to solve our mental complex.
However, we sometimes don’t know how to solve it. Although we know something is wrong inside us, we cannot specify it. It is like tangled threads.
In such a case, knowing the whole process of how we got a mental complex might help. It tells us that if we head toward independence, it will solve naturally. Today, I will explain it.
The whole process of how we got a mental complex
If we go toward independence, we will solve our mental complex naturally.
To explain it, let me show you the whole process of how we got it from our parents.
Our parents or equivalents often caused it. The parents’ mental complex developed ours. Perhaps you have heard that a complex is often inherited. This is the beginning.
Our parents behaved irrationally.
One typical example is this contradiction: our success is the parent’s good teaching; failure is the child’s fault (or others’ fault). This is irrational. If a child’s success is a parent’s success, then a child’s failure is also a parent’s failure. Even a child can understand this logic.
However, we could not argue against it. If we did so, we knew that they would get angry. As children, we feared being abandoned naturally.
The past we stopped questioning
This situation develops our mental complex.
Every time we encounter such parental judgments, we ask ourselves, “Why is it only my fault?” However, there is no rational answer because it is irrational. We cannot escape from such parental judgments.
If we repeat this situation over and over again, we will begin to react like this: “Anyway, I must please my parents.” Although there is no answer even if we search for the reason, the answer to what we have to do is always the same: “Anyway, I must make them happy.”
That makes us forget the cause and focus on, “Anyway, I just must do this.” This is a rational reaction. It is pointless to repeat the same question with no answer when we always come to the same conclusion.
Our tendency to easily focus promotes it. It is the same as being absorbed enough to forget to sleep and eat. We try to concentrate on making the irrationality happen as well as possible. This is also natural because our lives lives are at stake.
How our mental complex formed
This overconcentration biases us towards one side of values and causes our seeking approval.
We start to focus on what makes parents happy. There are ideal virtues and behavioral models that realize those values. They are often as follows: do your best, be patient, succeed, make efforts, please others, be positive, be a good person, be friendly, be strong, and control your unnecessary wants.
Focusing too much on it hides another side of values from us.
The beginning of seeking approvals
We come to believe that being patient and successful is the only thing to be valued as a person. We try to do it until we are exhausted.
We begin to feel, “I am working hard until I want to die, but no one recognizes me.”
This is natural because usual people don’t appreciate our behavior. They balance their contradictory wants. They value being patient but also taking rest. They don’t appreciate overdoing one thing.
Our parents also don’t evaluate our attitudes due to their mental complex. They believe a child’s success is their achievement. It means a child’s pain is his fault.
That is why no one recognizes us, no matter how hard we work. Even if usual people say we do not have to be patient so hard, we cannot accept it. We are already too obsessed to listen to such advice.
Completion of forming the mental complex
That makes us feel alone and seek approval. In other words, we have a mental complex.
In this state, we will feel we are right and seriously facing our lives. We feel that many people are not facing the meaning of their lives.
If we succeed, we will feel extremely happy. However, if we fail, we feel no one appreciates our efforts.
This means that our good attitude brought us success, but failure is others’ fault who never recognize our efforts. This is the same as our parents. That makes our children feel that our child’s success is our good teaching; failure is the child’s fault (or others’ fault).
Although we might have hated our parents’ attitude that never appreciated our efforts, we are doing the same thing without realizing it.
This is the process of complex inheritance. We will have not only seeking approval but also many mental problems, as I mentioned at the top of this article.
To solve the mental complex
This whole process tells us we will solve our mental complex naturally if we go toward independence.
Independence requires balancing our duality. We have to be honest with ourselves and take care of ourselves. Without them, we cannot be independent. That is why heading toward independence will be effective.
Remembering the parent’s irrationality and doubting it again could be another solution. When we stopped doubting it, the confusion began. That is the cause.
Our overfocused state causes the problems. In good times, we might want to prove we are right and our parents are wrong. In times when things are not going well, we might feel we are wrong and others are right. However, both are wrong. The truth is that parents are wrong, and we are also wrong like them.
We have to let go of the logic based on irrational teaching. This whole process would tell us how to deal with a mental complex.
Conclusion
That is the whole process of how we get a mental complex. The life based on irrational teaching caused our mental problems.
If we head toward independence, it will disappear naturally.
This knowledge might allow you to solve your mental problems and improve your life.
Thank you for reading this article. I hope to see you in the next one.
