Recently, I have gradually become able to explain what stressed me in the past. One example is the desire for approval. Let’s discuss its mental mechanism.
How to recognize the confusion within us
Sometimes, we want to understand the feelings and mindset of someone who has solved spiritual problems. Specific examples allow us to analyze and judge them ourselves.
I also had such a want. I desired to learn as many examples as possible of concrete people who had overcome mental issues.
Although many superficial solutions were easy to understand, they never solved the root problem. A typical example was pretending to be happy. I didn’t want to pretend; I wished to understand myself and be honest.
However, we sometimes lack such examples. That leaves us with a confused mind and inner struggle.
In my case, rationality resolved my spiritual problems. Today, I will explain how to judge with an example of a desire for approval. It can help you perceive and evaluate things more reasonably.
Adding one more sense of perception
In my opinion, spiritual problems for empathic and logical people are a matter of perception, not one of thinking. In other words, changing the mindset is pointless. We need to add one more sense of perception.
I often use the ‘two eyes’ metaphor for this. When looking at things with one eye, they appear clear, but we cannot sense the distance. On the other hand, two eyes enable us to perceive the distance of one focused object, although nearby objects often appear doubled.
I started to use both eyes. Perceiving the distance reduced the stress and worry about colliding with other objects. That resolved my spiritual problems.
Handling the desire for approval
To make it easier to understand, let’s look at an example of how I have started to handle the desire for approval.
Desire for approval is a common need among people with mental confusion. We want recognition from others. We want someone to tell us we did our best, to acknowledge all the effort we have made, and to be happy just that we are alive.
That desire sometimes makes us behave in contradiction to our hearts. Although we want to be accepted, we doubt those who are kind to us. That drives us to hurt them to test their love, which ultimately ends the relationship.
We kill ourselves as much as possible. It is painful. However, no one appreciates us. That makes us feel resentment and helplessness toward others and ourselves. They cause negative emotions, but we suppress them. We desire only positive thoughts. That forces us to be more patient, even though we don’t want to be anymore.
When we hit the limit of our patience, we feel an impulsive urge to break something—sometimes at others, sometimes at ourselves. Although we want to be happy, we don’t know how.
That is the state of using one eye, which is called an empathic perspective.
A rational perspective
We can apply another perspective: rationality. It shows us a different side.
Rationally speaking, no one will recognize us unless we care for someone else. Everyone lives for themselves. It is natural for people to dislike someone who is only harmful to them. It doesn’t make sense to engage in harmful behavior to receive acceptance.
Rationality encourages us to take reasonable actions. It teaches us that we should take a break when we are tired from stress, instead of seeking others’ approval. It is more realistic and efficient.
Everyone is living for themselves. As adults, managing our own health is fundamental. Even if people hate us for doing that, let them. They live for themselves, and we live for ourselves, too. We don’t seek their sympathy. Each person, including us, is independent.
Among them, some people empathize with us. We can help them, and they come to like us. As a result, although we don’t seek recognition, they approve of us.
That is the perspective of rationality.
Judging things calmly
Empathy and rationality, using both eyes, enable us to understand contradictions in the world.
For example, suppose someone claimed to us, “You are selfish!”
If we perceive with only one eye of empathy, we feel blamed. We cannot help but empathize with their feelings, and it hurts us emotionally.
On the other hand, if we perceive with two eyes, we identify contradictions in their words and behaviors.
Their word and behavior—which one is correct? If selfishness were evil, everyone would be so. If the opponent wants to blame us, it is ineffective to criticize our selfishness.
That awareness enables us to guess that the opponent is simply asserting their desire. Selfishness is irrelevant.
In other words, we recognize that the opponent is logically confused. People’s words and logic are not always correct. That enables us to adjust our actions without blaming ourselves.
Emotionally, apologizing hurts our minds and makes us feel miserable. On the other hand, from a rational perspective, it is a cheap price to pay if simple words solve the problem without spending money. After all, words are free. We can choose between those two options according to our preferences.
Since many people are less empathic, perceiving rationally helps us significantly. It is a convenient perception, especially in social life.
In this situation, we have not changed our mindsets. We added one more perception: rationality. We don’t need to modify empathic areas at all. We can show our empathy only when we want to help people we love.
Conclusion
That is an example of how to handle a desire for approval.
In my opinion, spiritual problems for empathic and logical people are a matter of perception, not a matter of thinking.
In other words, changing our mindset is pointless. We need to add one more sense of perception: rationality.
This explanation may help you perceive and evaluate things more reasonably.
Thank you for reading this article. I hope to see you in the next one.
